To the Parents...Part 2

To the parents.. Part 2.. What started innocently enough, exposing your child to our sport of tennis in the hopes they may like it and learn a fun skill must seem like a lifetime ago..  Little did you know what you were signing on for.. A few clinics camps a private lesson or two and before you could even blink, there your child is, opening a can of balls about to play his/ her first competitive singles match..  A short time later and there your child is shaking hands at the net after winning their first tournament, all likely before reaching their teenage years... A dreamy drive home full of barely containable pride and joy...the first trophy held firmly to your Childs breast...husband and wife passing glances back and forth of complete and total connection...for you were just part of your Child's first moment of coronation, a moment where he/ she walked off a tennis court first in an elite field of two...  Tournaments...Many enter, only one does not lose, and for this event, that one was your child.. Something profound just occurred, the depth and extent you dozens of tournaments later are only now becoming keenly aware  Your child is a talent, a champion, possibly a prodigy, how does one contain one's exuberance at the prospect of a child of one's own making showing strong indications they very well may become one of the best at a sport that enriches it's elite with once only dreamed about fame and fortune? Now that abstract dream is a reality.. And it's your reality.. It's your child who has fame and fortune in his sights.. And what parent would ever deny their own child such an opportunity... And as you lay your weary heads to rest after a festive evening of celebratory indulgence, the glow abates, an eerie feeling envelops you..filling the space between you and your spouse.. As your beaming grins subside and you prepare to refocus yourself to the realities of your next day of life and all it's normal pressures , an unspoken question hangs in the air between you... Now what? What have we got ourselves in to??? What do we know about achieving tennis greatness ??? Who do we know well enough to trust with our child that knows anything about grooming a tennis champion??? Where do you turn from here??? Our guess is you are inspecting our site for you are knee deep in the process of junior tennis development.. And that junior is your child.. And the glow of that first tournament victory has long since dimmed.. And not that you were delusional in thinking it was all going to be as easy as that first shot of big time success , but never in a million years could you have envisioned this whole process of competitive junior tennis to be as demanding and all encompassing as it has. We like to welcome you with open arms to our site for we feel your angst and confusion, we've lived it.. And we hope we can assist you and your child live it also to the best of all your abilities and to the utmost potential your child embodies.. In the most healthiest of manners imaginable. Keep checking in with us.. We have a few things to say about the development process we hope you will find informative and useful as you make all the important decisions you must make such that your child's dreams can become a reality.. Thank you, Barry Buss

To the parents... Part 1 Adolescence in and of itself is a minefield unto itself .. Certainly families who channel great resources into their childs pursuit of tennis excellence do not have a monopoly on unhealthy family dynamics Correlation is not causation.. One can plug any sport or activity in to the equation in place of tennis and unhealthy outcomes are everywhere as far as the eye can see.. But as tennis professionals, our experience as junior tennis players and now as coaches and parents leads us to conclude that the all encompassing nature of high level competitive junior tennis is an incredibly unique environment to rear a child. We can not state this emphatically enough.. If you have not lived the experience, you do not and can not fully grasp the emotional turmoil that so many young uber talented and competitive children of yours are grappling with.. We don't care how well you think you know your child and how well you may think you have matters under control.. The harsh reality of our sport is the foundation you feel you may have built beneath you now from which you feel you may have a good grasp on current events. That foundation is often a mirage.. Your child is growing up.. Fast.. 12-14 14-16 16-18 Each of those two year cycles you have essentially a different person standing before you, to say nothing of all the changes you yourselves as aging parents are experiencing as career ebbs and flows and the increasing stresses of our modern pace of life make your own foundations also an ever shifting mirage.. With sharp upturns of success or prolonged struggles with slumps and injuries or apathy or the ever inevitable changes in interest and desire in your Childs once rock solid quest to work his hardest to become the best.. All of these changes in circumstances bring on whole new challenges within your family dynamic.. Challenges if not addressed and confronted with a rational unified informed message can mark the beginning of a cycle where the proverbial wheels begin to come off... Wheels you have invested tremendous capital, financial emotional and sacrificial.. To achieve excellence in tennis, you have to be all in from a very early age, for our sport demands a full time commitment from all parties for many many years. High level competitive junior tennis is not a hobby.. If you are treating it so, find something more enjoyable and less demanding... You have to eat sleep dream and breathe our sport if you want to make it, anything less one will soon not be playing it That is why we are so insistent that you hear our message and educate yourselves such that you do this right, for as we have stated repeatedly, this ain't no dress rehearsal, if you don't have the time to do this right, we ask again, when in the are you going to find time to do it over..?

To the Parents

To the parents... Part 1 Adolescence in and of itself is a minefield unto itself .. Certainly families who channel great resources into their child's pursuit of tennis excellence do not have a monopoly on unhealthy family dynamics Correlation is not causation.. One can plug any sport or activity in to the equation in place of tennis and unhealthy outcomes are everywhere as far as the eye can see.. But as tennis professionals, our experience as junior tennis players and now as coaches and parents leads us to conclude that the all encompassing nature of high level competitive junior tennis is an incredibly unique environment to rear a child. We can not state this emphatically enough.. If you have not lived the experience, you do not and can not fully grasp the emotional turmoil that so many young uber talented and competitive children of yours are grappling with.. We don't care how well you think you know your child and how well you may think you have matters under control.. The harsh reality of our sport is the foundation you feel you may have built beneath you now from which you feel you may have a good grasp on current events. That foundation is often a mirage.. Your child is growing up.. Fast.. 12-14 14-16 16-18 Each of those two year cycles you have essentially a different person standing before you, to say nothing of all the changes you yourselves as aging parents are experiencing as career ebbs and flows and the increasing stresses of our modern pace of life make your own foundations also an ever shifting mirage.. With sharp upturns of success or prolonged struggles with slumps and injuries or apathy or the ever inevitable changes in interest and desire in your Childs once rock solid quest to work his hardest to become the best.. All of these changes in circumstances bring on whole new challenges within your family dynamic.. Challenges if not addressed and confronted with a rational unified informed message can mark the beginning of a cycle where the proverbial wheels begin to come off... Wheels you have invested tremendous capital, financial emotional and sacrificial.. To achieve excellence in tennis, you have to be all in from a very early age, for our sport demands a full time commitment from all parties for many many years. High level competitive junior tennis is not a hobby.. If you are treating it so, find something more enjoyable and less demanding... You have to eat sleep dream and breathe our sport if you want to make it, anything less one will soon not be playing it That is why we are so insistent that you hear our message and educate yourselves such that you do this right, for as we have stated repeatedly, this ain't no dress rehearsal, if you don't have the time to do this right, we ask again, when are you going to find time to do it over..?

Introduction to Red Flags/recurring Episodes...A child's Perspective

Having a tough day? Grumpy, irritable , but not exactly sure about what or why? The uncertainty of the day, a pop quiz you had no pop for, back on the bullies' radar, long lonely lunches...spent alone.. Wishing you were sitting with them... or with her...but like last year, and the year before .. they barely know you exist? Getting teased, getting taunted, dreading the bus ride home? Gotta don your game face... a blank emotionless unaffected stare...off to somewhere...another place, another town, another time..anywhere..just to keep from having to feel being here..the bus ride starts..you take your seat up front and prepare... You know its coming....The chants of "40-love" begin from the back.. that mocking high pitched effeminate voice..the projectiles soon follow....duck down, take cover, hide if you can, only thing that softens the blows... gobs of gum and chew start flying. incoming.. air raid...air raid...getting pelted..gross.. Fuckers..they're laughing at me...turning red.. Getting scared angry embarrassed..Dad told me to punch em, they'll stop..what if they don't? they're bigger..Fuck.. I can't wait to be a grown up so I never have to come back here again..ever..I hate this place..I hate these people...More giant gobs land in hair..gross..enough..stand up..no..yes..no..shit..enough.stand to yell... Knock it...Splat! .giant gob hits right in the face..."Sit down tennis fag...40-Love..." ..they're laughing at me..even my friends...Kathy's laughing too...wanna cry..can't cry...duck..three more stops..screw it..getting off here..ahhhhh...safe....more gobs...shit...."30-love"...Fuck!!! fuckers!!!

Gotta run.. gonna be late..again..fucking books...you can do it..run run run...home is in sight..there's Mom..shit, I'm gonna be late for my lesson again..keep running..."Where the hell have you been?....we're going to be late again...you think money grows on trees? We have to pay for your lesson whether you show or not, how many times do I have to tell you this?" Reach the steps..keep my head down.."What happened to you? Did you get in a fight? Come here, what is that in your hair? Holy Jesus, its gum and what is this other stuff?" rush past, grab gear..."lets go Mom".."I asked you a question..what happened at school today?" "Nothing Mom, lets go" Mom ain't buying it today "This is third time this week..whats going on John?" ..."I don't want to talk about it Mom..let's go" Get in the car, 10 minute drive to the club..nothing a song or two can't kill...headphones on...in the clear...Mom asks again.."What happened today?"... pretend not to hear... tap toes to the music, don't look over....YOW!!!... WHAT???!!! That hurt!!! as Mom rips headphones and several lochs of gummy hair with off my scalp..."ANSWER MY GOD DAMN QUESTION!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON AT SCHOOL????"....this isn't going well...pause..wanna cry..wanna complain, but then I have to explain...she wants to help..silence..awkward....gotta say something..."WELL, IM JUST GOING TO PULL OVER HERE TIL YOU TELL ME..NO TENNIS TIL YOU TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON AT SCHOOL..ARE YOU BEING BULLIED AGAIN???!!!"....getting angry..gotta say something..shit..."What part of nothing and i don't want to talk about it you having a hard time with ??!!"..."Dont you ever speak to your mother like that again...where do you learn such manners???".."From Dad, that's what he says..start the car...I want to go to the club" .."NO..NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.." ..."leave me alone Mom..here I'll just run there..Bye..pick me up at 6"...

and for now we will leave the next lines and roles for you to fill in privately in however your family deals with your child's inability to communicate what may be happening to them in their childhood lives...

A POSSIBLE SCENARIO

We fast forward to that evenings family dinner of mother father and John

"pass the butter Johnie"

"I got an A on my math test"

"Honey, did we get the statement from the bank I'm waiting on?"

"The refinance one or the car loan one?"

"Both"

"Dad, can I go to the school dance Friday?'

"We'll talk about it.....We need the refinance one quickly or we're not going to be able to afford the car one"

"I'll call tomorrow and check"

"You said you were going to do that today...what happened?"

"Dad, I kinda need to know tonight..there's this girl... I like her.. I want to ask her... but I can't wait til the last second"

"It slipped my mind...I had a lot going on today...I promise first thing in the morning.."

"Please honey, the bank is difficult enough...I don't need you making it...."

"Dad?"

"any harder"

"You don't have to talk to me like a child..Its my house and car also..I don't want..."

"Dad, someone else is gonna ask her if..."

"don't interrupt your mother when she is speaking"

"I'll go down there in person tomorrow...How was your day otherwise?"

"Mom, can you sign my field trip permission slip..its due tomorrow?"

"it was fine..we got that project I've wanted all these..."

"Mom???"

"Later John..your father and I are talking, can't you see that?"

"But I wont be able .."

"That's great honey...you've been working for that project for months now...knuckles"

"knuckles..did you win your ladies league match this morning?"

"Dad, those kids on the bus were giving me a hard time again.."

"John, you can't wait for your mother to respond??? "

"Yeah, we won but it was that ugly lob fest tennis"

"I thought your coach told you not to play like that anymore?"

"Dad, can you help me with my science homework tonight?"

"Ask your older brother John when he gets home "

"But I have a big test tomorrow"

"I know our coach did, but he also said it's important to compete and win anyway possible now"

"We're spending a lot of money on lessons for you to learn to lob?"

"Dad, I'm behind in science..I'm gonna fail if I don't do well tomorrow.."

"Not just on lobbing..we work on strategy and placement and positioning and lots of things"

"Then how does every match turn in to a lobfest?'

"We don't start it"

"I'm not feeling well, can I go to my room?"

"Does that matter..don't you work on overheads too?"

"Mom, can I go to my room..I'm not feeling well"

"Of course we do...that doesn't mean we're ready to hit them in a match yet"

"Dad???"

"That doesn't make a lot of sense...I'll ask him tomorrow when I see him for my group workout

"Mom?????"

"I'ld rather you not interfere with my development honey..."

"Mom??? Dad?????"

I'm still just learning..as are you"

"Mom!!! Dad!!!"

"WHAT JOHN? WHAT DO YOU WANT????!!!!"

"Ummm...I uhh....I hit my backhand really good today"

Momdad..."Really John?!!! Tell us all about it...who did you play today? did you win.? That's great news..the draw for Anaheim comes out Wednesday...I'm getting pumped already"

To all the Moms and Dads out there...as we disclosed earlier in part one of our red flags / recurring episodes introduction.. We intimates are not mind readers, but we are world class mood readers..

Moods are indicative of brewing emotional discord within... Strong enough that an external change in ones disposition is noticeable.. A hung head or look of sullenness is not grounds for concern.. It's when those moods start manifesting in to behaviors that are counter productive to one's asserted goals in life that one must take notice

Children are evolving beings in many ways.. Emotional intelligence and clear to the point communication skills are traits that evolve much later in one's maturation process.

In our red flags/ recurring episodes section, we identify numerous behaviors in your developing junior tennis player that we feel are important for you to address immediately for your child to have any hope of long term success in our sport, and more importantly, as they transition out of tennis and in to mainstream adult life.. Please read this list closely.. If the situations described look and sound familiar, our mission at the Jr. tennis development company is to help guide you through the discovery process of what may be the catalysts of said behaviors and keep your child's dreams of tennis success on track and attainable

Thank you and a special thanks to my many students over the years who confided and shared with me their respective stories of personal distress in their development and maturation processes...

Namaste...

Introduction to Red Flags/Recurring Episodes..The parent's perspective

Having a tough day? Grumpy, irritable , but not exactly sure about what or why? The busyness of the day, customers, clients, meetings, had to keep your game face on.. For to complain would force you to explain.. Quitting time, closing time, you made it through like many a grumpy day before . Get in your car.. The traffic helps nothing but at least you let your guard down and take your surliness out on anyone who dare impede your path home.

You walk in the house, no need to don that phony happy face you did all day.. Its safe to be grumpy at home.. Or so we thought..
Beloved wife greets you at the door , cheery, happy to see you, and like any sensitive partner she can read your face in a second. You know it's coming, there's no hiding it, but are you ready to answer the question you know is coming?

" what's wrong honey?"

And though you knew it was coming, you're just so not done with this grumpy.. And in your best Neanderthal voice , you grunt back ..
"nothing"

Depending on the dance you and your partner do, you may get off easy for a few moments , have a chance to put the brief case down, slip in to something more comfortable , maybe pop open a beer or three to regain some semblance of human beingness, and take your place in your comfy recliner before it comes again

Loving wife inquires as to loving husbands state of mood again

" what's wrong honey? Take 2

Seeing how well " nothing" went over, we go to plan b
" I don't want to talk about it"

Wifey.. Obviously concerned.. Does her line or role in the communication dance you do.. Let's say she ups the ante on you..
" honey, this is the third night in a row you've come home all edgy., what's wrong?"

You, not dealing with anything outside of your festering grumpiness quite yet, decide this line of inquiry must be stopped immediately and you bark back in oh so insensitive a tone
" what part of nothing and I don't want to talk about it you having a hard time with?"

And well intentioned wifey does her well rehearsed wounded wife part by either storming off or upping the ante further ..

And we will leave the subsequent lines and roles for you all to fill in privately however it is you do the dance couples do re communication flare ups

For here in the problem lies . We intimates.. We are not mind readers... Likely just as well.. But I'll be damned if we are not expert mood readers.

There are limitless moving parts in said dynamics.. Not every mood swing need be discussed and dissected ad nauseum.. That's exhausting codependent and unhealthy.. Yet not every mood swing should go unnoticed and disregarded., that is neglectful and a sign of emotional oblivion

Now hubby. This is on you to Clean up.. Domestic bliss has been rocked by your being out of touch with how you were feeling and why and your inability or resistance to figure it out on the drive home or over the last couple days. And we, and I say we with full understanding, are adults well versed in life stresses and relationship communicating , and when in a funk, and asked what's up in simple caring tones, we went cro magnum man and grunted our way into a long explanatory discussion pretty darn soon if you want your dinner in any kind of edible form



So your tennis playing child is not his oh so jovial self.. And once again, we are not mind readers but spot on mood readers and Johnny has just not been himself at home or on the court, and after a rather obvious and embarrassing tanking display at a tournament far from home that you just wasted your whole weekend at, the drive home begins.. And wifey again comes to bat well intentioned and good natured and asks that question that Johnny knows is coming and is just praying mom asks it first, for this has happened before and she asks the question in a much more loving and sincere tone than dad.. And this time mom goes first and turning her little head toward Johnny in the back seat she starts with..

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!!!!!!



And Johnny, a couple months shy of his 12th bday responds $&@"&);?$)&@&:;@@

And it's on!!!!!!!!!!!

You can see where this is going.. The inability to communicate what is wrong or what one is feeling during stressful times.. Each party having their own respective emotional response to said tanking event .. When people experience emotional extremes, they are incapable of empathy.. The absolute bedrock cornerstone of any healthy emotional bond.. An outsider reading about this dynamic ( if fleshed out in more detail) could easily detect the respective emotional conflicts each party is experiencing.. But when your in it and your own strong feelings start coming up and out unfiltered and unedited in a real time spontaneous outburst it takes a little while for all parties to purge their angst and great great skill to be able to center oneself during said outbursts and try to hear and feel each respective persons voice and laments...laments being stated in states of distress .. Have we all not made life altering declarations ourselves in the heat of the moment ? ( I'm done.. I'm leaving you.. You're a &&@$$&);!!!!)

Only to have to sheepishly walk said declarations back later with humility and begging forgiveness, all the while knowing you can never take back what you said or what was said to you.. And even the strongest bonds get weakened by such storms ..

We lose patience.. We develop fears.. Some rational.. Some irrational .. We catastrophize etc .. Our post blow up behavior and moods toward each other are tentative, protective .. Remember, we are mood readers.. Trust has been tested, possibly broken if these scenarios keep repeating themselves .. If we can't learn to communicate to each other and our children in healthy ways, the dynamic is doomed and conflict resolutions can begin to manifest in a variety of ugly ways and obvious acting out behaviors.

As tennis pros, we refer to these types of on court antics and blow ups as red flag
/recurring episode scenarios. Below we have enumerated many of the most commonplace situations we feel are grounds for concern in your Childs developmental process.

Peace

Mission Statement

Greetings ... Our mission here at the Junior Tennis Development Company Facebook Page is to begin an active open and hopefully vigorous dialogue about all the various aspects of the competitive junior tennis development process. More specifically, We are starting a consulting business focused around helping families with children playing high level junior tennis make the best possible decisions in their development process with the primary goal being the long term healthy development of their children. As tennis professionals in our mid 40's, we have seen and lived many of the dysfunctions in our sport, dysfunctions that we still see existing at all level's of our sport, from the highest executives of tennis' governing bodies down to the physical and emotional well being of the children currently pursuing excellence at our sport of tennis at it's highest competitive levels.

Our goals are not to alarm and frighten those who have children involved in competitive tennis . Tennis is not on life support or circling the drain; at it's highest levels, it is as vibrant and entertaining a sport as it has ever been.

But the manufactured message being sent out to the viewing public either through television's coverage of tennis' major events, the endlessly inane programming of The Tennis Channel, or the criminally fluffing journalistic output of tennis' print media in our opinion is nothing short of irresponsible. Their collective portrayal of tennis' upper echelons as one big red carpet feel good lifestyle event tells a woefully incomplete story of the entire tennis development process. We are only being shown the highly polished finished products of a very select few all too familiar names. Yes, there is great fame and fortune for those champions who hold poster board size checks above their heads on Sunday afternoons in a cosmopolitan city nowhere near you.

But well out of site and far from earshot is a long historic and sadly still unfolding story of widespread abuse neglect and dysfunctional family dynamics in our sport that no sane observer could possibly mistake for healthy. Correlation does not always equate to causation, especially when human behavior is involved . But to absolve our Tennis culture of all responsibility for the darker outcomes of the junior tennis development process would be equally irresponsible... A tennis culture we have been immersed in since our earliest memories.. And a culture either resistant or incapable of erecting the proper safety nets for what we believe constitutes long term healthy human development.

For we can't sugar coat this any longer.. We have lost friends to this sport, we have had friends struggle with a myriad of child abuse issues that never were treated, and as those angry young children became angry young adults, we watched the wounds of their formative years bleed into their adulthood in various forms, ranging from substance abuse and mental health conditions , to an overall dysfunctional inability to transition from the privileged life of a talented tennis teen into the responsible life of an adult provider and healthy life partner and parent. Let me make clear that these incidents are far from the majority, yet they are not random outliers either.

The passion in our tone stems directly from the undeniable fact of how few in our sport want to acknowledge these realities. Further motivating us to speak to you now in this forum is A highly disturbing statistical reality currently unfolding in American tennis. Of our peer group of men and women whom we competed with for years and years, of those who have transitioned from the tennis life into their post-tennis lives and have started families, a stunningly low number of these parents have children following in their footsteps, striving for excellence in our sport of tennis.

In essence, we have lost a generation of an athletic gene pool and a collective knowledge about how to play our sport that is nearly impossible to quantify, yet even more difficult to replace. The reasons given by said parents range from the quiet passive "no way I'm putting my kid through that" to even more impassioned expletive laced rejections of the entire childhood experience we all shared as developing talented tennis teens. If anyone should have insights in to navigating the oft-confusing emotional waters of the adolescent tennis development experience it should be our peer group. Yet the categorical rejection of exposing one's child to such an upbringing often comes without a calm coherent message. The dialogue we hope to begin with you all here is to pull out of the shadows what happened to much of our peer group leaving them so bitter and somewhat traumatized to our sport of tennis. More importantly, with enough wisdom and experience to fill a small library about the dos and donts of tennis development not involved in the game any longer, who is guiding this next generation of hungry talented youngsters through the minefield of junior tennis development? Can there be "success" in our sport for such a small number when the overwhelming majority of our peer group have walked away from our sport somewhat traumatized by the entire experience and turned their backs on tennis completely?

Thank you in advance for participating in our large challenging yet hopefully profoundly effective project.. We eagerly await all of your input

Barry Buss

We Lost A Generation

  We lost a generation.. Object of this q and a is to get a broader understanding of why so many of our generation no longer have any direct involvement in the sport that defined our upbringings and is/was a major defining influence on who we were as young adolescents pursuing excellence and careers in tennis.. Many of you we know quite well and shared many of the external positives and negatives of the competitive junior tennis upbringing... But as with all these relationships, we only got to know each other as we all reached high levels of achievement, either traveling together from junior tourney to tourney, teaming up for a few fun yet volatile college tennis years, and an even lesser few who remained connected as you travelled the globe through your professional playing years striving for financial successes at our sports highest playing levels.. A fact I find somewhat challenging to confront is those of you who have transitioned successfully out of the uber competitive live of a pro tennis player into the more grounded life of domesticity, family, and child rearing, that so many of you who had successful junior and professional careers have not encouraged or channelled your children in to the growing up experience of high intensity junior tennis competition we all went through..  the  rewards that came with the high levels of success we all achieved sadly came with quite a cost, either personally or in the friction and oft dysfunction of ones supporting family structure..

 We could fill a small library with the amount of wisdom and experience you all possess, wisdom and experience we feel would be invaluable to the coming generations of parents and players who are currently attempting to follow and succeed in the same trade we " chose" ourselves to pursue I have begun and will continue to pursue vigorously in the years to come is a project we are coining " long term healthy junior tennis development" such that hopefully the next generation of success driven young tennis players will, when they have hit their last tennis ball, the transition in to mainstream life will be as seamless and healthy as possible, without extended stays in therapy and rehab being part of that transition. Many of the inner oft difficult to discuss experiences of what our respective home lives were like are for many of us compartmentalized safely away from our daily day to day experiences..

 Our goal here is not to re-open old unprocessed wounds and traumatic events from our pasts.. Our goal is to illustrate to this next generation of parents players coaches and governing bodies that a lot of mistakes were made, not out of maliciousness but from just a sheer lack of knowledge and experience about what a young emotionally immature teen is experiencing during the incessant pushing and driving that occurred during our formative years, pushing and driving that we feel the urgency to extract from the shadows and shine a light upon this current generation of tennis hopefuls All your stories are unique yet there is much crossover.. Unrealistic expectations, pressure to win at all costs at such young ages, family dynamics hanging on a razor thin balance whether johnie or Janie won that day The safety nets were not in place in our era.. Sadly, as we look upon this next generation, those nets are still not there, or better stated, the safety nets of not experiencing the negative downsides of our sport are not engaging at all in the sport we once lived and breathed 24/7 whatsoever .

. We want it all, the good and the bad, so we can do everything in our powers to help prevent any more of the ugly we all have seen and experienced at far to close a view Pre- competition 1) who introduced you to tennis? Did you want to play? Were you made to play? Did you like playing early on and why? 2) what made it fun early on.. A fun coach? Quality time with parents? Your friends were playing? Or was it something you picked up easily  and enjoyed being good at something? 3)  how old were you when you played your first tournament or competitive match ( club ladder , etc) 4) how was the experience? Did you come out winning early and often and fed off the success and adulation being a 'winner' brought or did you get your tail handed to you a few times by more experienced players? How was losing badly greeted at home and on those long sullen drives home? 5) when you had your first successes and realized ' hey, I'm one of the best at something here, not just in your town, but on a regional/ national level, what did that feel like and did your successes change your family dynamic in anyway ( excessive attention on you over other siblings?) or debates within the family about what to do with you the young phenom upstart and how to intensify efforts for you to maximize your early gifts ? 6) if/when did you start to feel an unhealthy pressure to win coming from your support system, how old were you, how did you handle what in hindsight may have been unhealthy pressures to succeed or having to live up to unrealistic expectations? 7) if/ when do you remember your first push back against said pressures/ expectations .. Either with on court behaviors ( cheating, acting out on court, tanking, ) or off court disobedience? 8) did you feel when you were competing that you were playing more than just a match.. That you may have subconsciously been playing for approval and love and to not be successful, there were fears that the approval and love of your primary care givers was all of a sudden conditional on your results??? Tough question but very important one to reflect on 9) if the answer to the above question in hindsight is affirmative in anyway, can you remember how that felt as a young teenager? Was it confusing? Anger causing? Saddening?  Again, tough question but this dynamic cuts right to the heart of the kind of unhealthy junior tennis development and feel is crucial to pull out of the shadows and show this new generation of inexperienced tennis parents/ coaches that if this dynamic gets set in place early in a junior players career, it is very very hard to reverse 10) not all family dynamics centered around their Childs succeses and failures are unhealthy .. If your family was positive and supportive through thick and thin, we need your stories badly.. How were defeats and tough stretches handled by all parties within your support system.. Did one parent rage innapropriately and the other make everything ok behind the scenes? Was your coach the buffer between often dueling parents.. How did you keep on working toward your goal of excellence in tennis when during the tougher stretches? Next section... What were you fighting against.. Were you pushed, verbally or physically abused or mistreated, was your coach innapropriate in anyway, verbally sexual innuendo etc In retrospect, if you could go back in time at certain critical junctures in your development , what would you wish was in place that you feel would have made the whole experience more rewarding for you?