Introduction to Red Flags/Recurring Episodes..The parent's perspective

Having a tough day? Grumpy, irritable , but not exactly sure about what or why? The busyness of the day, customers, clients, meetings, had to keep your game face on.. For to complain would force you to explain.. Quitting time, closing time, you made it through like many a grumpy day before . Get in your car.. The traffic helps nothing but at least you let your guard down and take your surliness out on anyone who dare impede your path home.

You walk in the house, no need to don that phony happy face you did all day.. Its safe to be grumpy at home.. Or so we thought..
Beloved wife greets you at the door , cheery, happy to see you, and like any sensitive partner she can read your face in a second. You know it's coming, there's no hiding it, but are you ready to answer the question you know is coming?

" what's wrong honey?"

And though you knew it was coming, you're just so not done with this grumpy.. And in your best Neanderthal voice , you grunt back ..
"nothing"

Depending on the dance you and your partner do, you may get off easy for a few moments , have a chance to put the brief case down, slip in to something more comfortable , maybe pop open a beer or three to regain some semblance of human beingness, and take your place in your comfy recliner before it comes again

Loving wife inquires as to loving husbands state of mood again

" what's wrong honey? Take 2

Seeing how well " nothing" went over, we go to plan b
" I don't want to talk about it"

Wifey.. Obviously concerned.. Does her line or role in the communication dance you do.. Let's say she ups the ante on you..
" honey, this is the third night in a row you've come home all edgy., what's wrong?"

You, not dealing with anything outside of your festering grumpiness quite yet, decide this line of inquiry must be stopped immediately and you bark back in oh so insensitive a tone
" what part of nothing and I don't want to talk about it you having a hard time with?"

And well intentioned wifey does her well rehearsed wounded wife part by either storming off or upping the ante further ..

And we will leave the subsequent lines and roles for you all to fill in privately however it is you do the dance couples do re communication flare ups

For here in the problem lies . We intimates.. We are not mind readers... Likely just as well.. But I'll be damned if we are not expert mood readers.

There are limitless moving parts in said dynamics.. Not every mood swing need be discussed and dissected ad nauseum.. That's exhausting codependent and unhealthy.. Yet not every mood swing should go unnoticed and disregarded., that is neglectful and a sign of emotional oblivion

Now hubby. This is on you to Clean up.. Domestic bliss has been rocked by your being out of touch with how you were feeling and why and your inability or resistance to figure it out on the drive home or over the last couple days. And we, and I say we with full understanding, are adults well versed in life stresses and relationship communicating , and when in a funk, and asked what's up in simple caring tones, we went cro magnum man and grunted our way into a long explanatory discussion pretty darn soon if you want your dinner in any kind of edible form



So your tennis playing child is not his oh so jovial self.. And once again, we are not mind readers but spot on mood readers and Johnny has just not been himself at home or on the court, and after a rather obvious and embarrassing tanking display at a tournament far from home that you just wasted your whole weekend at, the drive home begins.. And wifey again comes to bat well intentioned and good natured and asks that question that Johnny knows is coming and is just praying mom asks it first, for this has happened before and she asks the question in a much more loving and sincere tone than dad.. And this time mom goes first and turning her little head toward Johnny in the back seat she starts with..

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!!!!!!



And Johnny, a couple months shy of his 12th bday responds $&@"&);?$)&@&:;@@

And it's on!!!!!!!!!!!

You can see where this is going.. The inability to communicate what is wrong or what one is feeling during stressful times.. Each party having their own respective emotional response to said tanking event .. When people experience emotional extremes, they are incapable of empathy.. The absolute bedrock cornerstone of any healthy emotional bond.. An outsider reading about this dynamic ( if fleshed out in more detail) could easily detect the respective emotional conflicts each party is experiencing.. But when your in it and your own strong feelings start coming up and out unfiltered and unedited in a real time spontaneous outburst it takes a little while for all parties to purge their angst and great great skill to be able to center oneself during said outbursts and try to hear and feel each respective persons voice and laments...laments being stated in states of distress .. Have we all not made life altering declarations ourselves in the heat of the moment ? ( I'm done.. I'm leaving you.. You're a &&@$$&);!!!!)

Only to have to sheepishly walk said declarations back later with humility and begging forgiveness, all the while knowing you can never take back what you said or what was said to you.. And even the strongest bonds get weakened by such storms ..

We lose patience.. We develop fears.. Some rational.. Some irrational .. We catastrophize etc .. Our post blow up behavior and moods toward each other are tentative, protective .. Remember, we are mood readers.. Trust has been tested, possibly broken if these scenarios keep repeating themselves .. If we can't learn to communicate to each other and our children in healthy ways, the dynamic is doomed and conflict resolutions can begin to manifest in a variety of ugly ways and obvious acting out behaviors.

As tennis pros, we refer to these types of on court antics and blow ups as red flag
/recurring episode scenarios. Below we have enumerated many of the most commonplace situations we feel are grounds for concern in your Childs developmental process.

Peace